Looking towards the future

Some good news for this Friday afternoon: I am less than 10 pounds away from my total goal of 95 lbs.! Losing 95 lbs. puts me in the healthy weight range for my height. However, since I have OCD and I don't like odd numbers, I will likely go for an even, pretty 100 lbs.

Then comes the scary part...maintaining my new, healthy weight. I really try not to think too much about the maintenance part because I find it to be so daunting. Honestly, once I got into the swing of the Weight Watchers/losing weight thing, it became habit. I use the WW app and track everything I eat on there. I have become a professional at logging my food and exercise, measuring everything and keeping myself on track.

Maintaining is like the Land of the Unknown to me. When I look back at my life, I've either been losing weight or gaining it. There's been no "staying the same." How in the world will I attempt to do this? I am terrified of undoing all the hard work I've done over the last eight and a half months.

My mantra in life is, "I don't know what tomorrow holds but I know WHO holds tomorrow." I have it in black and white on a sign on my nightstand. I have to put my faith in God and rely on the tools that I've acquired. I have to use my willpower and not think of the diet as being over. It's a new lifestyle.

I'm not getting ahead of myself, I still have those 10-15 lbs. I have to work on before I really face the reality of making it to my goal and not needing to lose more. But as I look toward the future, I'm going to push myself to do my best but not get too frustrated if I go up a pound or two after a special occasion. I know how to get it off, I've done it with 85 lbs. so far.

I bought myself a bracelet when I lost 75 lbs. It says, "She believed she could so she did." I believe I can do it with all my heart. So I'll be setting new goals for myself. The first one will be maintaining the 100 lbs. for six months. Then another six months. Then a year, and two years, etc. If I believe I can, I will. Here's to many more years of being in that healthy weight range!

My name is Andrea and I'm a food-aholic

First, I want to say thanks to all who commented here and on Facebook, sent me private messages and called to offer your encouragement and support after my first blog post. It really means so much to me and I hope you'll keep reading!

So, I've had a weird relationship with food my entire life. My parents did everything right, we ate healthfully, my sister and I didn't have free reign over the pantry, we were allowed to indulge in treats every now and then. But I come from a long line of ancestors with sweet teeth (I'm looking at you, Bazzel fam!).

I was pretty active in high school and college, but once I graduated and settled into married life, the wheels came off the bus. My mom wasn't around to cook for me, and I was working a full time job and "keeping house" (with Ed's help, of course) for the first time in my life. Queue the fast food, take out and quick meals that are cheap and easy, but awful for you. The scale kept going up, but I had every excuse in the book to not do anything about it (I'm too busy to work out, we just bought a house and I'm paying student loans so I have no extra money to spend on the gym or Weight Watchers).

Somewhere around 2005 I became an emotional eater. My family had some major stuff going on and I turned to food to help me cope. I think this is where my food obsession started. I would get to work and start thinking about what I'd order for lunch. I would think about what we'd eat for dinner, but most importantly, dessert, long before evening. It was my crutch. I don't smoke, I've never done a drug in my life and I am not more than a social drinker. I would think about food a lot. Lots more than is normal.

This continued for years. When I was pregnant, I felt like I could get away with it because I was growing a person. Once the kids were born, I was pretty busy during the day, but after bedtime, I had dates with the Doritos and the TV. I wouldn't keep track of how much I was eating, and I would be so full, but I'd keep going. I would feel guilty afterwards, but the next night, it'd be the same thing all over again.

Here's the thing about food that is pretty different from other addictions...have a gambling addiction? Stay out of the casino. Trying to kick your smoking habit? Don't buy cigarettes. Need to lay off the sauce? Stay out of the bar. We NEED to eat to survive. I will always have food in my house. As much as I would love to forgo eating forever and drag around an IV bag of fluids, it's not really realistic.

Being addicted to food and eating is something I will always struggle with. It's a lifelong issue, just like so many other addictions. I'm learning, with the help of Weight Watchers and other tools, to turn my food obsession into a positive thing. Now I'm obsessed with planning out my meals in the beginning of the day to ensure I stay within my daily points goal. I'm addicted to drinking a protein shake a day. And I'm persistent about going to the gym a few times each week.

I'm not going to lie, I used to roll my eyes when people referred to a diet as a "lifestyle change." But I've come to accept that I am changing my life forever. I am always going to struggle with food. Even after years of extensive behavior therapy, I'm never going to be cured. So, if that food obsession is always going to be in me, I need to turn it into a positive results. I will obviously slip up here and there, but if we're out and I decide not to taste the dessert the table ordered or I only get a salad, it's because I don't think I have the willpower that day to stop after one bite. Be patient with me, I'm learning as I go. I owe it to myself and my family to make the best of the cards I was dealt.

Thanks for reading! <3 <3 <3

I'm a blogger!

Never in a million years did I think I'd lose a significant amount of weight AND be motivated to start a blog about it, but here I am. Never say never! Since starting my weight loss journey and sharing about it on social media, I've heard from many friends with questions and encouragement, or who've said they want to lose weight but don't know where or how. So I thought it'd be fun to write about what I've been doing and thinking during this whole process. Even if no one ever reads it (and I hope someone does!), it's kind of therapeutic to put my thoughts into words. I'm going to be vulnerable here but if one person is inspired to change their own lifestyle, that's worth it to me.

January 12, 2015 started like any other day. Getting into better shape had crossed my mind, but it wasn't like I said, "I'll start on January 12th." Something just clicked for me that day and I decided I needed to make some changes. The holidays were over and we had just gone bridesmaid dress shopping for my cousin's wedding. I was kind of mortified at the size I had to try on and how I looked in the pictures from that day. It was time.

I wish I could say I had some kind of epiphany, an Oprah "aha moment" where it clicks and you know things can't get much worse. I wasn't sitting around feeling like I was going to have a heart attack. I got around fine, didn't have diabetes or high blood pressure (thank God), I really just didn't like the way I looked in person or in pictures. I could hide from the mirror, but I couldn't hide from friends and family tagging me in photos on Facebook. I sometimes feel guilty that I wasn't more worried about my health, that I just wanted (and still do) to look better, but I guess whatever motivates you to get the job done matters little as long as you get to the finish line.

So, on January 12th I added the My Fitness Pal app to my phone and started tracking my calories. I wouldn't get on the scale. I was in denial about how much I weighed and I wasn't ready to face it yet. I'm disappointed about this a little bit now because I really don't have an accurate starting number to use to measure my progress. But it is what it is, I can't go back and change it.

I also started going to the gym with a close friend. I was afraid to commit so she let me tag along as her guest for the first few weeks. We went to aqua classes together, which I highly recommend for anyone who wants to begin an exercise regime but is afraid of the impact and wants to start slow. Also, something about working out in the water makes it seem like fun instead of work. The gym was waiving the membership fee for the month, and after some encouragement from my friend, I signed up and started going to classes by myself.

I guess I have my vanity and pride to thank. Don't get me wrong, I feel better and I'm thankful for it, but I guess I never realized I wasn't feeling good so I didn't know I could feel better. Now, 80 pounds later, I am actually able to run and keep up with my kids when they dart away from me, which they do almost daily. I still can't believe I've lost 80 pounds, typing that seems surreal. It hasn't been easy but it's been worth it and I CANNOT GO BACK.

So, that's where it began. Feel free to send me a message if you have any feedback or suggestions, or you want to tell me to shut it. That would suck but I'd appreciate your honesty. I'll update every week or so, or if I have something I want to put out into the universe sooner, I'll share then. Thanks for reading!